I've had an extreme amount of things to say lately.So why haven't I shared them?I think it starts with interpersonal interactions. We have so many on a daily basis, right? It used to be said that the average person knew about 250 people. Then, about 20 years ago, the average person knew about 600. Now, I would bet the number is over 1000! So many relationships. So many interactions.
I care about you deeply. You may or may not realize it. When you share an opinion with me I don't share, I tuck that back there, and I remember it. I tailor my speech so you don't have to hear something you don't agree with. I care about you, and I care about our connection, that much. I'm a deep feeler. When you hurt, I hurt. I want our connection to make sense and to make you feel comfortable. I'm just sharing where I'm at. I'm not saying this is a good way to be, or a good approach to life. I'm actually starting to see that it stinks.
Why?
Because I care about you, I let you preserve your voice. By not letting myself preserve my voice because you may not like what I have to say, I silence my voice. What am I telling myself through that action?I'm not loving myself as I try to love you.
This is not working for me.
I have a vision to care, to speak into people.I'm cutting myself off at the knees by not offering myself the same opportunity.
So I'm trying to find that voice again, the one I've squelched so MUCH so you could feel comfortable.
Who is that "you?"People who actually left a long time ago anyway.
I remember.
I'm working so HARD to uncover that voice again, to strengthen myself so much that I trust myself to say things in love. To be a grown up and recognize that I need to speak my mind. To know some will come and go. Others will decide flippantly that their opinions matter more to them than mine. Their opinions of me are NONE of my business. I keep speaking to people who don't care, chopping down my message, those who do care will miss the words I do have to say. Time for me to show up in fullness. Time for me to love you whether you love me back, or not.
I'm sorry for squelching my message. I'm sorry for keeping my mouth shut.I'm endeavoring to open it again.
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